You'd think I would know what I want to do with this fleeting life. Oh, I can give all the right answers. You know them too.
"I want to serve the Lord."
"I want to bring God the most glory."
"I want Him to be pleased with me."
"I'll do whatever He asks of me."
I've used them all. And I'm tempted to use them now, and leave it at that.
"What do you want to do after college?" well-meaning adults ask. And I cringe. Does any college student really relish that question?
"I have no idea."
"I can't look that far ahead."
"Thoughts of after graduation terrify me."
Those don't seem like responsible answers. So, my default has been (don't hold your breath)
"Grad school... Lord-willing."
But what if I was honest? Insanely honest? Adults don't ask me "What will you do after college?" but "What do you want to do?"
If I thought they really wanted to know, this is what I would tell them.
"After college, I would love to consolidate everything I own into a backpack, and take the first flight to a refugee camp in northeast Africa to do what little I can to bring justice to the widow, the fatherless, and the stranger in a strange land."
But it's not that easy. But I claim to follow the almighty Creator of the universe. So what if I could embrace the heart ache He's given me and be at peace with not knowing what comes between graduation and that flight to Africa... if it comes at all?
I have ideas for what I want to do after college, I'm even making plans, but I am holding them loosely, because "the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).
This is a very small glimpse into the "profound feelings" I wrote about in my last post. Trembling in the face of the unknown, excitement and anticipation over what God could do, frustration that I have no control, rejoicing that He has all control, trying to plan, yet feeling like I shouldn't, and exhausted by it all.
And He knows - He knows all. You would think that after all this time, I would know.